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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in polydragonflies' LiveJournal:

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    Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
    10:22 pm
    Bart refuses to give up his crib to the new baby, even after much
    pulling and reverse psychology from Homer, so Homer builds him a new bed
    -- a clown bed. "Homer J. Simpson, you're a genius." Only the clown is
    grotesque and frightening looking. Homer reassures Bart he'll be able
    to laugh himself to sleep, but Bart imagines the clown intoning with
    barely-suppressed evil glee, "If you should die before you wake..."

    Bart: Can't sleep, clown'll eat me...Can't sleep, clown'll eat me...
    Saturday, September 25th, 2004
    6:47 pm
    Tuesday, September 7th, 2004
    12:39 am
    silly things
    If your life was a sci-fi TV show... by guybrush
    Username
    Series Name:
    Core sci-fi trope:
    Your nerdy but brilliant scientist:thefaeone
    Your robot/half-alien/etc. trying to become human:noteeks
    Your sexy but brilliant scientist:bigstyle
    Version of you from a parallel universe:blacklili
    Your brooding but brilliant scientist:dmsii
    Your hot-headed military/action type:freyjasdottir
    Number of seasons before cancellation:1
    Your show is cancelled because:it's too commercial, so the fans only tune in to argue about how crap it is.
    The chance of your show becoming a cult hit is:: 74%
    Quiz created with MemeGen!


    Current Mood: crazy
    Monday, August 30th, 2004
    4:06 am
    can't help it
    Falling In Love Again
    Linda Ronstadt
    Words by Sammy Lerner and Music by Frederick Hollander

    -" 'Round Midnight" CD
    -introduced by Marlene Dietrich in the 1930 film "The Blue Angel"

    Falling in love again
    Never wanted to
    What am I to do?
    Can't help it

    Love's always been my game
    Play it how I may
    I was made that way
    Can't help it

    Men cluster to me like moths around a flame
    And if their wings burn, I know I'm not to blame

    Falling in love again
    Never wanted to
    What am I to do?
    Can't help it

    Fallin' in love again
    Never wanted to
    What am I to do?
    Can't help it

    Love's always been my game
    Play it how I may
    I was made that way
    Can't help it

    Men cluster to me like moths around a flame
    And if their wings burn, I know I'm not to blame

    Fallin' in love again
    Never wanted to
    What am I to do?
    Can't help it

    Men cluster to me like moths around a flame
    And if their wings burn, I know I'm not to blame

    Fallin' in love again
    Never wanted to
    What am I to do?
    Can't help it

    Current Mood: calm
    Monday, August 23rd, 2004
    12:40 pm
    Dedicated to Steve...
    Precious And Few


    Precious and few are the moments we two can share.
    Quiet and blue, like the sky, I'm hung over you.
    And if I can't find my way back home, it just wouldn't be fair.
    Precious and few are the moments we two can share.

    Baby, it's you on my mind, your love is so rare.
    Being with you is a feeling I just can't compare.
    And if I can't hold you in my arms, it just wouldn't be fair.
    Cause' Precious and few are the moments we two can share.

    And if I can't find my way back home it just wouldn't be fair
    Cause' Precious and few are the moments we two can share.

    Precious and few are the moments we two can share.
    Quiet and blue, like the sky, I'm hung over you.
    And if I can't find my way back home, it just wouldn't be fair.
    Cause' Precious and few are the moments we two can share.
    Wednesday, August 11th, 2004
    4:15 pm
    Plop Plop Poly thoughts...
    Steve may be staying with our girlfriend tonight. Normally I would be a train wreck. I've been giving this entire poly thing a great deal of thought lately.

    In my adult life, I've never really wanted an exclusive relationship. As a child, the examples of relationship surrounding me weren't exactly bastions of strength. When I was a child. the middle-aged couples I knew were tired, rude, and certainly not very loving toward each other. Every member of my childhood "nuclear" family has been married and divorced at least twice, and all have high rent storage lockers for emotional baggage to boot. Why would I want anything like that?

    All my first lovers eventually wanted a marriage commitment, at which point our relationships ended. Not because I was afraid of commitment. On the contrary, I was the one who wanted to stay in the relationships. Somehow, though, my partners were more interested in form than content. This was very sad to me as I did love them. It seemed that they wanted marriage only for the sake of playing the part.

    So it was no surprise that I found myself involved in a non-monogamous lifestyle. Eventually, I encountered a community of people where sexuality and multi-partner relationships were openly supported. While to many this sounds like singles paradise, it was no cake walk. The twin dragons of abandonment and jealously both reared into view over my lover being with other women. But I knew something big was at stake. Something bigger than my relationship. Something bigger than the hurt. With some excellent counseling, group support, and unwavering love from my partner (and time), I eventually worked through it and could fully embrace the joys of multi-partner love.

    I was right at home.

    Over the years, things changed - as they have a way of doing - and it became clear that it was time for me to move on. Now, back out mainstream society I was due for another shock. I found that "people at large" aren't too sophisticated about relationships and have a lot of fear about anything they aren't used to. In fact, you can create quite a scene at the mere suggestion that it might be OK and maybe even desirable to have more than one primary relationship in you life at the same time (GASP!).

    After all, to me it seems that the traditional "till death do us part" marriage isn't exactly living up to its reputation as the means for fulfillment in relationship. The notion that one person can be everything you need for the rest of your life is, well, silly. After all, love is not a limited resource and people change over time. Perhaps a person could adopt a relationship style that is fashioned more in harmony with the unbounded nature of love, than the self-serving notion that your partner is yours alone and that's what's best for them and you, forever, amen.

    Such a lifestyle means you don't have to end a good relationship to start another. Why not have two or more committed relationships? The guilt of "infidelity" and "cheating" are replaced with abundance and sharing and a richness of relationship resources that a simple couple cannot provide. And of course, the sex is good.

    Over this time this is what I've found that always works..

    #1. Don't meddle
    In some odd ways when you begin to ask for things to be defined for you outside of the relationships you're in this can make your lovers feel as though you're a tad too nosy or even jealous. Let them express the joy you bring to them. Insist on feeling good!

    #2. Before you commit, get a commitment.
    This doesn't mean a commitment to fidelity , but agreement from your partner that you have a relationship that you want to keep, and so you are willing to consider this relationship first as others come along. However don't expect equality, you're setting yourself up for the big hurt there...

    #3. Be honest.
    Even if it means hurting someone you love. It is kinder and more loving to let your partner participate in your changes than to let them know after the fact or drop hints. If you're finding that you'd rather be with someone else whose new and exciting, don't pretend it's business as usual with you're main relationship. Talk about it. You will need to deal with these feelings, and really as hard as it is, the sooner the better!

    #4. Always respect the primary relationship.
    I personally believe it's heavy karma to inject yourself into a situation that seriously jeopardizes a perfectly healthy relationship. Think twice.

    #5. Honor the transition.
    Be deeply respectful of transitioning a new partner into a non-monogamous situation. They are new to the situation and most likely scared silly and as much as you.

    You may ask, and rightly so, "Why bother with non-monogamy? Is all of this trouble with it?" For those of us who are called on this path, the answer is a resounding "YES". One does not reach for such an ambitious goal as manifesting the unrestricted name of Love in a society that only honors a selfish vision of relationship without paying a desperate price. These kinds of lessons are the heart and soul of the groundwork necessary to make this vision happen, and indeed, I have since been gifted with an incredible relationship that is stronger than any I have known before.

    Current Mood: calm
    Tuesday, July 13th, 2004
    5:57 am
    Busy Busy Polydragonflies
    Ok so like it's almost 5 in the morning and why aren't I sleeping
    with Steve? Because I drank WAY too much Mocha at a place in Columbus
    tonight called "Cup-o-Joe". I'm freakin' wired.

    By now we all know that our lovely Madame "M" loves her details. So although I'm sharing
    all of this with you I'm also thinking of my "duty as a friend" to
    her and not leave out a thing! :)

    Steve and I have been on vacation and having an awesome time! Lots of
    music, lots of dancing, and LOTS of sex! *chuckle*
    And a bit of sun burn (ouchies).

    I was either going to the club Friday with out Steve or with him and
    we balanced the budget nicely enough, so we could afford both nights.

    Now I need to back up just a bit. *blush* Thr night we were invited
    up to see our wild pals in Columbus and go to a club called Skully's.
    We didn't stay too long needles
    to say it was just way too loud in there and I felt slightly out of place. We walked about 15 or 20 blocks back to our car. Still it
    gave us time to consider Friday and Saturday.

    Oh I dressed so cute but didn't stay that way long. *giggle*

    Thr was my drunk and disorderly night, which gave Friday night to
    Steve to get hammered if he wanted. AND boy howdy how he wanted!!
    *giggle* I know we may appear cheap asses drinking Boones farm
    Strawberry hill, but it's not the price we both just like the taste
    and can agree on that as a booze.

    It was just as well I stayed mostly straight because I ended up doing
    a couple of tarot readings in room 5, back to back. No one pounded on
    the door this time, thank god!. *laughs*

    So we got four bottles. I thought, "We'll drink a couple tonight and
    then there other 2 will be there for Saturday night." Sister they're
    all four gone! Now you must really be told this to find the depth of
    funny with in this story. Steve normally is ALWAYS the one to remain
    in control and responsible for driving and what have you. So to see
    him drunk was some fucking funny stuff.

    He was just darling!

    I got in the hot tub and it was again perfect. Steve was playing pool
    and flirting for all his might. Once more his innocence in the boons
    farm buzz was just cute.

    He and I started to play around down stairs and this single guy from
    Columbus stood there and watched. I jokingly made a peace symbol to
    him and he quipped, "Does that mean you want 2?" *L* Just then Steve
    and I was taking somewhat of a breather. We explained we have had all
    that much practice as a boy girl boy thing but I wouldn't mind
    playing with him alone. :)

    Now here is where it gets real fun funky and funny for me.

    My oh so new gentleman friend and I went back to room 5. That room
    just feels right to me. It's the smallest and I feel I'm not keeping
    any potential players from having the bigger and somewhat nicer
    rooms.

    When we got in the room I explained that I'm a safety girl. I
    presented him with a rubber. Now I know some gals who are so gifted
    with these contraptions they can put them on with their mouths. I'm
    no good. I couldn't roll a rubber down a penis. I've tried. They snap
    off and one day I fear someone in the room may loose an eye. So as we
    laughed over that a moment, we got him nice and hard and he put on
    the condom.

    After some messing about I asked, "Do you like it doggie style?" He
    nodded ALOT. So we did this and he's going at me like a jack hammer.
    SOON after I hear him groan, "Uhhh Ohhh Errrr SHIT FUCK!!" and then
    he said the most romantic thing a man has ever said to me, "just call
    me Quick Draw MaGraw" *roars laughing* He was so cute and embarrassed
    that it was just sweet to see him all blushy. If you know me at all
    if I can ever lift someone up, and not put them down that is always
    the option I take. So I rubbed his thigh a bit and said, "Oh that's
    ok honey. And besides let's not mistake cumming too quickly for
    having something explosive! Then I kissed him on the cheek and he
    said that he's been to a few clubs and they are all very cliquish. He
    said that he was so happy to find a fun place. Gee that means a lot.

    He and I wrapped up pleasantries and I rejoined the program already
    in progress.

    Steve was soaking in the hot tub and I refreshened his drink. Shortly
    after he got out and played some more pool and flirted. He's mostly a
    sweet and somewhat flirt, but last night, no holds barred. *L*

    I soaked in the tub with the one they call "Prince". I am not
    normally a smoker but as a good girl treat Steve will let me bring a
    cigar to the club. Prince has a true love for fine tobacco and we had
    a good time talking that over.

    After Prince and his girl left we moved back upstairs. We were told
    if we wanted to be up there we had to be topless. So titties were
    everywhere. *chuckle*

    Everyone was dancing and having a good time, drinking and for the
    most part just loving life. Suddenly, Mark starts playing "Dueling
    Banjos" and Steve and Mark played the "air instruments" That was so
    funny to see and they did it perfect! Everyone was hooting and
    hollering for more. It was an awesome performance, stellar! *L*

    Slowly folks began to pile on out of the club and we were the first
    ones there and the last ones to leave. Steve felt a great sense of
    accomplishment. We came home around 5:30 and set and talked until
    7:30 then my 87 year old Mother called at 8:30 to go to breakfast.

    I got a lot of compliments when we went back out Saturday night. I knew I've made some adjustments, but I didn't know it
    make me look 15 years younger! *chuckle* Geee that makes me look
    under age. R I G H T?? ;-) I wonder if I'll start getting carded.
    *roars lauging* Anyway it was nice them saying so.

    Roger was the birthday boy of the night and did alright for himself. *LOL* I think his birthday, although
    only slightly belated, was time well spent. So Steve's watching all
    these very sexy little numbers rub various parts of their bodies on
    Roger for a lap dance/birthday present. Steve looks at me and
    says, "I can't wait till my birthday!!" Roger looked like a Roman
    God, in boxers. The girls were just joking about some of the porn
    having a girl sucking a guys toes. They hooted how nasty that was, so
    as a spoof to that I bent down and laid on the dance floor and kissed
    Rogers feet during the lap dance.

    Roger has very big feet.....and that's all I want to say. *LOL*

    There was also the new couple. When I first saw them they
    had that all too fimilar "I'm SO SCARED" She seemed nice and he was so very tall. Physically
    they were pretty to look at and of course later in the night they
    were fun to watch! *LOL* I also read the cards for her and that
    seemed to go pretty well, and let me see who she was and she's a very
    pleasent person all around.

    I've read Tarot now for about 5 people at the club, 4 women and one
    man. The guy I read for........*blushes*........well there was a lot
    to "cum" from it and once more that's all I want to say about that!
    *chuckle*

    There was one very hot very cute single guy there. But by the time I
    had gone over there it was 3 in the morning and he said his get up
    and go got up and went. However I believe there's a raincheck. :)

    Mark and Terri have never disapointed us, the clubs owners, we always have a blast and
    more often than not it's the little stuff they do that reaches out to
    my spirit. They always make me feel uplifted, and good. The ham they
    served was friggin AWESOME. I think put together with the fruit tray
    and it was plum full of healthy good snacks and looked elegant. We
    donated the watermelon, but of course you don't know what you bought
    till it's opened. I thought it was hard to chew. Now how watermelon
    manages to be tough is anyones guess. I'd gotten one that was
    different, much like an old man with a vasectomy. It was tough and
    seedless.

    The drinks Mark made were YUMMY! Saturday was my night to party
    since Steve tied one on Friday. I drank wine. OH WOW HOW I drank
    wine. Bacchus himself would have been proud

    Steve and I are both active in several different factions of our
    sexual and social lives. There is a poly support group in Columbus
    and because of work schedules and such we haven't been able to attend
    any of the functions. This was Steve's very last day of vacation and
    as luck would have it the meeting was also set for tonight.

    So we drove from Zanesville to just off High Street.

    Hmmmmm well now how can I say this...?

    It seems like there are a few people who fall into a very grey area
    when it comes to poly and swinging. However there are equal amounts
    of folks who feel they never could participate or cross over from one
    to the other. I'm glad Steve and I are in the grey.

    We listened to one guy tonight say that he couldn't ever swing
    because he has to get to know someone extremely well first. I never
    in my life thought I'd ever hear that from a man!!? I always pretty
    much thought it's mostly we ladies who are the reluctant ones and the
    men folk are ready to pounce most anyone if given the right
    circumstances. Hmm I don't know I may be wrong here but I got the
    feeling that's the line he uses on a lot of women to score! *LOL*
    That just maybe my cynical side.

    All I know is "Mister take it slow", got 2 kisses and three hugs from
    me alone and how he did with the other chicas is anyone's guess.
    *chuckle* The wife seemed a bit broodish, but was much nicer once the
    meeting was over and they were walking to their car.

    The topic for discussion tonight was how not to feel competitive in a
    sexual/social relationship, when the one you're with maybe with
    someone else. Now you would have been so proud of me. ALL night ALL I
    wanted to do was say, "I like the competition Steve and I have at the
    swingers club. I'm SO winning!" *laughs* I was scared they would have
    freaked out. So I kept my mouth shut.


    I have a DATE ya'll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!*runs around screaming* after the meeting as I said
    we went to coffee. Just out of the blue this girl that was at the
    meeting asks me to come spend the day with her in Columbus Wed. This
    will be just over 8 hours of girlie time! WOOWHO. I can't wait to
    tell you what happens there. *laughs* I mean come on eight hours.and
    you can't tell me she hasn't something in mind. *gulps*

    I also chatted up this little sexy male number who's eye candy to the
    max. He and I flittered a lot. *nods* Yea there maybe something here
    too. :)

    There's some other wonderful stuff happening in Steve and I's world.
    A dear friend of his from the show me state is going to visit us the
    same weekend as Central Ohio Swingers Weekend Getaway at Playtime
    Social Club in Zanesville. So I think we need to discuss our reservations for that weekend real quick!

    Steve said he felt as though this vacation changed his life for the better, and I would agree.
    Sudi
    Monday, July 5th, 2004
    9:42 am
    deidcated to Steve
    It Had To Be You
    Lyric by Gus Kahn. Music by Isham Jones (1924)
    Recorded by Ruth Etting in 1936 for the film "Melody in May".

    It had to be you
    It had to be you
    I wandered around
    And finally found
    The somebody who
    Could make me be true,
    Could make me feel blue,
    And even be glad just to be sad
    Thinkin’ of you.

    Some others I’ve seen
    Might never be mean
    Might never be cross
    Or try to be boss,
    But they wouldn’t do.

    For nobody else
    Gave me a thrill.
    With all your faults,
    I love you still.

    It had to be you.

    Current Mood: happy!!
    Thursday, July 1st, 2004
    6:15 pm
    Vacation all I ever wanted...
    Well it's almost here, VACATION time! Hurray!
    We are going to have a blast. Cedar Point and maybe KingsIsland.
    Clubbing where we already have a strong possible hook up. ;-)
    This is going to be great.
    Sudi

    Current Mood: chipper
    Monday, June 28th, 2004
    2:23 pm
    ComFest Rocks!!
    ComFest was one of the most positive things Steve and I have ever shared. We had BlackLilli and Biggy to thank for being so giving and inviting us to join them. I had some great conversations while I walked about. I saw lovely art and smelled insence buring outside which I adore. There was not one problem with anyone there and everyone was warm and beautiful. Biggy and BL have such wonderful people in their lives, and I'm also thrilled to share that energy. The crowd was a delight and the music enchanting. I loved walking by all the places with drummers drumming. Lifts the sould right up! I hope we can go every year!
    Thanks for all who did so much and may the lives of them be enriched for all the work.
    Sudi

    Current Mood: cheerful
    Friday, June 11th, 2004
    7:59 pm
    It's been a pretty rough day arround here. Well all but for the short time Tammy and Patty were here. Charlotte's newphew, Bill Lemley died today. This wasn't a great newphew or a more distant relation, she had known him for a very long time when he married John and Ollie Wolfes daughter JoAnn. John of course being her oldest brother. Charlotte had "Little Bill" during part of WWII while John and Ollie were out in Calf working for the military. Bill and JoAnn both stayed in the apartment in the top floor of her home. That was also my home and sanctuary for a number of years. The one that has now been torn down. She said she feels wore out and half sick. Any good "icky bad" go away juju for she or I would be really appreciated.

    Current Mood: blah
    Thursday, June 10th, 2004
    10:38 pm
    http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/naughtynature.jpg I don't know why but this just cracked me up way too much!!

    Current Mood: high
    9:02 pm
    Hmmm WOW WHO knew I was the beast!!
    The Devil Card
    You are the Devil card. The Devil is based on the
    figure Pan, Lord of the Dance. The earthy
    physicality of the devil breeds lust. The
    devil's call to return to primal instincts
    often creates conflict in a society in which
    many of these instincts must be kept under
    control. Challenges posed by our physical
    bodies can be overcome by strength in the
    mental, emotional, and spiritual realms. Pan is
    also a symbol of enjoyment and rules our
    material creativity. The devil knows physical
    pleasure and how to manipulate the physical
    world. Material creativity finds its output in
    such things as dance, pottery, gardening, and
    sex. The self-actualized person is able to
    accept the sensuality and usefulness of the
    devil's gifts while remaining in control of any
    darker urges. Image from The Stone Tarot deck.
    http://hometown.aol.com/newtarotdeck/


    Which Tarot Card Are You?
    brought to you by Quizilla

    Of everything I could have been this wasn't the one I thought!

    Current Mood: confused
    3:08 pm
    The River She Rises
    Well Rain Rain go away come again another day...
    The rain has made the river a coffee with heavy cream brown. Still all swiftness of the current is really cool to watch. As I straighten out the wash and such I'm able to have a perfect view of the Muskingum River. I forget which author said, "Happiness is a home along the waters edge." It's very true. There's a soul in every stream, lake, ocean, and river. Some compare bodies of water to a Mother like figure, I feel it's more. I'm soothed by the movements, and always have been since childhood. Not many people today can say that they live in the house their Fathers built. Cosmetically it's a wreck, it's a plumbers nightmare and an electricians dream. Ah but the view, no matter what else is surrounding me I can see it wash down stream if it's a sensation I no long want to hold. I am so much better now that Steve and I have spoken about some things. Of course it will always be an on going conversation. At least I understand him a bit better. He's actually pretty hard to get to know and harder still to understand. He's much deeper than me, smarter too. He trusts me and I owe him as much. The times we've shared another love, albeit briefly or extended, He is at his best with me. He is his happiest too. The way he showers me when others are also in a loving situation is beyond compare and measure. We will have this someday, and with both of us working on who we are it may be sooner than we think! I guess now I don't feel as though I'm replacable, good or bad there truely is only one me! I doubt the universe would be ready for more than one. *chuckle*

    Current Mood: content
    Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
    9:11 pm
    Chance makes people sisters...
    Chant to Kalli
    Dedicated to BlackLilli....

    (Spoken Introduction)
    We must trust that romance lives,
    Not from days of old,
    But here and now,
    Be always glad for the time we give.

    Make merry when we feel a tear,
    A smile adds to the mystry,
    The joy,
    The fear.
    The pain so deep we can not bare
    Make merry when we feel a tear.

    To those who come and go and hence,
    See you staying there with recompense,
    Take joy in a days fare end,
    In the morrow we begin again!

    I ask for the power in you,
    To draw from the well of "She"
    From inner child
    To old dear crone
    She will let you feel alone,

    Call her now for knowledge good,
    Let her visions be understood.
    Blessed Be

    (Chant)
    Dark Mother come to me,
    Feel my pulse and set me free,
    Dark Woman Kalli Ma
    Deep seeker through the fog,
    Kalli Kalli Kalli Ma
    (Repeat as needed or desired)
    5:05 pm
    Head to Toe Feelin Groovy!
    I got my cast off my hoof today!! YEEHAW!! I went out today with a bright smile and both feet forward. Feels really wonderful.

    Current Mood: chipper
    Tuesday, June 8th, 2004
    3:00 pm
    Foolish Foolish heart of mine
    I am a fool. That is a hard relaity to face. I thought loosing the wieght and getting the grill would some how lift me. To a degree it has no doubt. Lately I've come to understand that I will never meet the expectations of those I care about the most. I can't fullfill a person nor can I really make them happy. That belongs to them. I read now about how to get women who are so much more than I. These are not like kleenex, clean safe and disposable relationhships. They are ones that will need time to care for and nuture. I am not a part of that equation. To think that all the very hard work I've done to myself counts only to me and not those around me is yet another hard fact to face. I've never felt so alone as I do right this moment. I normally enjoy my alone time, if not thrive on the sensation. Today is different. Today I feel the pangs and I don't like it. It's me I guess I don't care much for right now. I hate feeling this way. I want to choose not to feel this sensation. I think sometimes maybe I should be alone, maybe it's what I deserve for being so egocentric. I give up nothing and yet I expect everything. I'm ashamed. Somethings are important to other people, things I can't get behind, so I try to stomp them from my world with out consideration for those who do care. Last night was a far deep look into a mirrior, and I didn't like me much. I'm a jealous mean negative person, certainly no one I would fancy. I thought if I'm happy those around me must be happy too. I was wrong and I was little. So Steve's been looking at a website for "fast http://www.fastseduction.com secudtion." He wants to improve himself as a person and of course lay as many chicks as will have him given this method. He wanted my feedback and then instead of taking the higher road and certainly the more positive one I put it down. I shouldn't have done that. Now he says I can't talk to him or bother him ever when he's looking at that site and I shouldn't speak to him about it. He said when he goes out to do his "field work" I won't be included and that I need to shut up. I got so caught up in some of the words and my own personal past that it made me shudder. Not everyone is a sweet kind soul as Steve and I was concerned that in the wrong hands the stuff from that site could be very scary. Then when I said I would certainly be looking on the site so if anyone every tired any of this horseshit on me I'd know. From that he took it to mean that I was calling his desires to improve as horseshit. This was never my intention. I would like him to be more at ease but not just to get laid but as an all over humanbeing. In truth I've never been picked up. I'm not one that men want nor am I on that list of gotta haves. That's a hard truth. I'm the other girl. The one that men do all they can to get around and away from so they can get the girl next to me. So I'm pissed off that I know there's nothing, no teeth, no weight loss, no hair color on the market that would make me be one of those girls who other men want. I'm the one that gets fucked because there's no one else to fuck. I'm the last choosen in a line up. Rather like choosing sides for dodge ball when we were kids. I wasn't wanted then either. I read how thse hot women have men hitting on them all the time and how bored they are of it. Shit fire and save matches I'd like that even for just one night so I can reject someone or even accept them knowing that I have merit and sensuality. It kills me to want someone and be so horribly affraid to express it. I fear the loss of what's already there would crush me. I tend to put everything downand that some how excuses me from attempting intimacy on any level, social or sexual. I've been picked on from early school days, and desperatly need a way to let those sensations go away. God DAMN IT I want to be one in the line up that is picked up, and desired. The truth of the matter is that I'm not. Hell I know I'm good in bed, any wet squishy hole can pass that test. Even some spit in a guys hand could be a substitute for that stuff. I need to believe that there are decent, candid, sexy persons in the world that would see those same things in me. These things don't exsist. I want to be the person someone can't wait to see, to laugh with, have sex with and seek with energetic approval. I'm the one who sets around and is asked, "ok so what do you want to do?" If I don't come up with something we do nothing. This of course lends itself to a dreamier world where things are fun and happening all the time. Really though how many men out there like a grey haired, false teeth, eyeglass sporting fat chick? answer NONE. It is the hope when I become very old then maybe the playing field will be a bit more equal and then I'll be considered for the short list of desirable ladies. I damn sure ain't feeling it right now. I feel like if I say something overtly sexual it makes people cringe inside. As if the idea toward intimate relations with me is somehow a joke or painful to think about. I feel loathsome and desperate for someone to need me and desire me and want me not as a subsitute but as the genuine article. I look at my own body and I'm horrified by it. I feel like my genitles are nasty to look at and my heart follows suit. Why in the name of all that is good did I think lossing all that wieght would make a difference? Why did I allow them to cut into my body? This is the first time I've ever regretted getting the surgery. I stood today infront of a full length mirror nude. I am disapointed. It seems so fully unfair that there are those who men want to study about in order to gain, and then there are those of us to whom of which wouldn't be deserving of a second glance. Damn that hurts.

    Current Mood: disappointed
    Tuesday, June 1st, 2004
    5:14 pm
    Glad Summer is here!!
    I've spent a nice afternoon out with my Mother. I took her to do one of her most favorite things. She loves fresh flowers so we went to a green house local but still slightly out of town. This way she really felt like she went somewhere nice. There were so many colors and scents to fill the senses that I feel energy from that time. Steve's been a hero and a an angel these past few days during the holiday. It's a pity they had his schedule set the way it was but still it gave us some time together. We rented games and such and spent lots of couple time. The play is now over and it feels like a bit of a let down, but other than that I'm in a pretty good place. I do have to go see about the lumps in the nether regions Thrusday and am not too thrilled over that concept. However Wed I go for the final appointment to get my teeth!!!!!!! I can't wait to see me smile with a grill. :)~ It seems like forever ago since I had a smile I wanted to share. I think it will also help in the feeling like a real old lady syndrom that has befallen me. My lower G.I. showed some sort of lump but they removed it and it was benine. The upper G.I. taken only last week shows that I have some ulcers in my small tummy pouch and they're unsure what to do with me in that regard. Still and all the mighty medical card has provided me with at least a path toward better health and certainly not one I could have afforded on my own. So I'm bouncy and pretty good. It's so nice the warm days are here and the nights don't get here so soon. I like the long day light hours. It means so much to watch my baby kitties playing in the sunlight and trying to catch the shadows. I hope you are content and well loved.

    Current Mood: bouncy
    Monday, May 31st, 2004
    11:20 am
    Yeah, baby!
    Steve:


    I am Frylock from Aqua Teen Hunger Force!!

    Which Aqua Teen Hunger Force character are you??

    carl
    You're Carl! You're just an average scummy guy who
    experiences a lot of crazy shit because of his
    human-sized food-shaped neighbors. You have a
    sweet car and a nice pool, but you're still
    gross.


    Aqua Teen Hunger Force - which character are you?
    brought to you by Quizilla

    Sudi:


    I am Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force!!

    Which Aqua Teen Hunger Force character are you??

    You're Dr. Weird! Preferring your laboratory on
    the South Jersey shore to life in the real
    world, you're constantly creating villains,
    machines, and schemes to destroy the world.
    You were probably mistreated as a child.


    Aqua Teen Hunger Force - which character are you?
    brought to you by Quizilla
    Sunday, April 11th, 2004
    4:49 pm
    Easter it's just too Pagany for me
    Steve's working. Mom's sleeping, she had a rough night. I'm once more caught in my own thoughts as to how our modern holidays developed. Easter is as so many holidays rich in a wide variety of traditions. Yea yea I know that's nothing new to most people. Still I guess it makes me wonder just how vivid and crazy those orginal celebrations must have been like.

    Current Mood: nostalgic
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